2021

This is the story about 2021, written on the 10th of 2022.

I could not put myself into writing.Duong told me a disturbing truth when we were still friends “We all need sadness to write well”. He told me about the story of how writers need to stay in miserable circumstances (or draw themselves into them) or even isolate themselves so they can have all the good ideas and words. I should not call it “a truth” but it is bothersome when I read back my notes a few years ago, mainly during my unstable teenage time, broken up times.. oh damn, I wrote so good. It is getting harder and harder for me to write recently.
Well, I don’t believe in what Duong said. So many good writers are enjoying their lives out there. It can be true to Duong, or some people, but I think one of the reasons I find writing is not easy as it was, is because my writing focus has gone down, together with the feeling of wanting to write something perfect.

I started a draft for 2021 in the last week of December with an English version, then I switched to Vietnamese, and just a few minutes ago, I deleted a paragraph in Vietnamese and started typing in English. I was distracted, not by anything but by myself. At least until now, I feel I’ve got the flow.

It is so epic that 2021 ended with my joblessness (again). For who may be the first time reading my blog, I quit my job in October 2020 and enjoyed my two months off (well, not every day of that two months). I decided to leave my job in December 2021 and was busy with my book and my new hobby— air-dry clay. Finger-crossed on a few pending paperwork to start my new career soon.

Let’s drawback to the past a little bit; my resolution for 2021 is to “restructure my life” which is here, following with the five bullet points:

• Clearance: Yes, I wanted to be a minimalist, not an extreme one, but the one who would not buy the thing I would not be able to use at least five times a week (or would not wear in six months straight for clothes). I failed. Although I didn’t buy any junk, I still got a few stuff that I only wore or used one time and never touched again. Hence, in the last week of December, I packed four big bags to donate all of them and made a space to put things that I don’t see myself using in six months for donation. The biggest issue is avoiding buying unnecessary items, which I’m working on a real solution.
• Social Media: I stop using Facebook (yay!), not entirely, but I rarely check Facebook, and sometimes I even forget I have my Facebook account. It gives me a lot of time to focus on my other things. I realized that I wanted to be active on Facebook (and it is also true with many people) because I was afraid of being left out, being not knowing about any shocking news. If I did not post things on Facebook or like/comment on my friends’ posts, they would forget who the f* I was. However, I’m over it. People will remember you if they want to remember you; they don’t need to see your face every day to remind them about you.
  I’m still on Instagram, though, but making sure I won’t spend a lot of time on it; at least Instagram is better (until now) because there is a limitation about the posts on my feed that I choose to see.
  I’m mainly on Medium, Quora, Spotify podcasts, and Youtube podcasts, and I’m delighted with what I’ve managed to learn from them.
• Focus: My friend told me about the “Flow” mode in Positive Psychology when you can focus on doing something for long hours, but you don’t feel stressed or anxious; it’s one kind of meditation. Whenever I’m making air-dry clay, I find myself in Flow mode. I can spend four hours straight on it, and my brain feels relieved. Early in 2021, I wanted to do more rock climbing, Chinese, Ukulele, and books. However, I think doing what is not essential; I should focus on that one thing I am doing at a time. Indeed, I cannot be the best climber or the one who reads most books or the best Chinese speaker, but I can give the best me to get better slowly.
• Relationship: Let’s save this one for later.
• Resolution: My one and only one resolution is to be a better me. Although there are many great models out there whom I can learn from, I know the only person I can compete with is myself. Life is not a race nor a competition; life is the progress of making yourself become a better version day by day. I used to look at successful people and ask myself when and how I could become them one day. I think a human always has a dark side of greed. When they achieve what they want, they start looking for new goals. When they reach the income they want, they start looking for higher pay. The moment they are more successful than the person they always wanted to compete with, they start looking for new targets. If they enjoy it, I’m happy for them; but I will not be pleased if I force myself into competitions for my whole life.
  I always believe each individual was born for a reason. Everyone has his timeline, progress, and ability to conquer his targets. I’m sure I will be happier to see how I can be better than yesterday and how my better self can contribute to supporting others to be better than competing to prove I am better than anyone else.

2021 was not an easy year for me. I was struggling with my work, for the first time in my life, I felt depressed and broke down because of the toxic work environment in six (never-ending) months; and another five months with a new assignment and a new great team, but I didn’t feel it was the thing I wanted to do. So that was why I quit.

2021 was not an easy year for me. For the first time in my life, I celebrated Lunar New Year in a new country without my family. Yet, there were days I busted into tears in the MRT just because Spotify played a family song.

2021 was not an easy year for me. For the first time in my life, I got fibroid surgery. I was scared, alone in the surgery room, and I was freaking out when they put me to sleep. But at the end of the day, I was lucky enough that no cancer cell was found in my fibroid.

2021 was not an easy year for me. My best friend and I hardly talked. We were so busy, we had things to deal with. However, deep down, I know she always there for me, isn’t it enough?

—

However,

If my work were good in 2021, I would never see the man who was there for me no matter good or bad days, the man who is now my husband.

If I were not too far away, my Mom and my sister would never find a way to deal with each other. They still find it hard to communicate and understand each other, but they’re working on it. Same with how my sister starts to stay focused on her photography and design career; I know it’s sometimes hard for her to wake up and remind herself that she is not useless, but I’m proud of her persistence.

If I were not aware of the fibroid and decided to remove it, there would be a serious issue when I got pregnant. Tu — my close friend in Singapore — was much worried about me. She worshiped for my safety and had to visit me to ensure I was okay.
And for the last two birthdays, I always received flowers from Oanh — my other friend, a.k.a ex-colleague who never failed to remember my birthday and sent me a sunflower.

I’m all grateful for unexpected events that happened to me in 2021; without them, all the good moments in 2021 would not be so valuable and fulfilled.

I’m all grateful for having some chill time to reflect on my mistakes and what I have done, through my pros and cons. As I said in 2019, a new year is just a time remark; it’s another day for me to continue my journey to complete myself.

2022, may the positive energy be with me!